My Two Me's

Something unexpected is happening to me. Ever since the first time I put on a wig and some makeup back in November of last year there's been something "with me".

I remember looking in the mirror, trying to apply mascara. Having never done it before I didn't have a clue what I was doing. But when I was done with everything I wanted to try I looked in the mirror, not to see what I was doing this time, but to see what I had done.

I smiled trying to look cute. That's when something happened. I still don't know what it was, or still is actually. It's just stronger now. I knew I looked awful, so why did I feel so good? A feeling I've never felt before washed over me and I thought to myself "This must be what everyone's talking about?".

The goodness I felt inside me just made me smile more, and seeing myself with such a genuine expression just made me think "Who is that in the mirror?". I sat down and started putting on some fake nails. After much difficulty figuring out how to get them on with those little sticky tabs I finally managed to get all ten fingers on.

When I held out my hands and looked at those burgundy red nails you've all seen me wear. I was almost in shock. I never expected to actual "feel" anything when I'd thought about dressing up. But a very powerful feeling came pouring out of me when I saw them on me.

If Y'all have ever seen me squirming around and running my hands up and down my legs and body. It's not because I'm thinking it looks good on camera. It's because I'm not "acting". When I touch my face and squirm around, the expression you see is what I'm experiencing myself. Not so much that I'm trying to show off.

I never expected that! I'm not sure what I did expect when I decided to put on the wig and makeup exactly. I don't remember ever wearing girls clothes before in my life.

Since then it's a constant underlying part of me. Even when I'm not "Cassie", which is most of the time. She seems to always be there. When I go into a store I don't just look at the things I've looked at all my life. Now I also look at high heels, and stockings... things that Cassie likes. Like she's in there with me.

So I started thinking that maybe that would work, you know... just carrying two different "trains of thought" around with me. Just keeping "Cassie's thoughts" hidden from the outside world, not pushed down... just hidden. That worked for a while and I'm still doing it now, except while I'm writing this Blog. This is mostly "Cassie", but I'm still me too of course. See what I mean?

Well, I'm starting to get run down trying to manage two different trains of thought. And honestly I really want more "Cassie" time. You know what I mean. Fully dressed and "trying" to be cute. So that instead of just knowing inside that she's there, being able to feel the joy that only she can bring me.

I spend a lot of time collecting items so that when I get a chance to dress up I'll have what I need. I plan ahead so that when the time comes I can let "Cassie" out. I know that's nuts. What I mean to say is that I know I should just "let her out". I just never thought not doing so could turn into a physical health issue. I'll probably learn in time that suppressing these desires to have more "Cassie' time is not a good idea. Maybe not even possible?

I have everything at the ready and spend hours turning into a girl. Only to get a few hours at most before having to change back. But "she" never goes away.

I don't mean to complain. I could change things. Notice I didn't say easily. Maybe Y'all will say it for me. I know there are many gurls out there experiencing similar things, and having very similar feelings. So many Blogs and so many similar stories.

Just last night I had been sitting there thinking about what I wanted to say in this blog. I stopped by the profile page of an online gurlfriend and she had updated it. I was amazed to read that she was writing about almost exactly word for word what I wanted to write about. Wanting more time as a gurl.

I almost decided not to write this because of just how similar it was.

Then I realized that I've been reading these stories for months now. Longer than that really because I started reading Transgender Blogs a long time ago. Coincidence?

Is it a coincidence that I started liking it when the Olympics was on and Sarah and Michelle would skate? I went crazy when Sarah won the Gold!

A few years ago I was playing cards with some relatives at home. The player to the right of me had these beautiful fingernails, and when she'd reach over the table to grab her cards I'd see this pretty hand slide into my vision. I was dumbfounded when a warm rush ran all over me, every single time I saw those hands with those pretty nails.

I never mentioned it, and was very disturbed by it because she was related to me. I was worried about that for a while. Then the night I looked at my own hands, wearing those fake nails, and felt that wonderful feeling again. I immediately remembered that time playing cards. And I thought... Coincidence?

So now I'm leaning towards this concept. Instead of "Two Me's", maybe it's all me. It's all in there. I see it all the time when I read other gurl's Blogs. I've even thought that to myself when I thought about them.

Is "Cassie" taking over, or does she belong in my conscious more?

I never expected feelings to pour out of me just because I was wearing nails and stockings.

And I never expected to feel like I was "sharing" time with an alter ego.

Two things the "Two Me's" didn't see coming.

Bye Y'all...

Cassie Ann Play : )

YouTube Timeout.

It's been a long while since my last post. Ever since YouTube I really neglected this Blog. It's so easy to get caught up in the activity there. I'll be taking a two week break, if not longer... since they removed two of my videos for violating community guidelines. I'm still on probation for my first offense, for six more days.

Now they've turned off my interactivity so I can't do anything but view my pages and videos. I can't answer mail, or even sign in to my account.

I won't be surprised if they delete my account, but there's nothing I can do now.

I've managed to pick up a few items since my last post. I found a better wig and bought some new cami's and stockings. Some new nails too!

Unfortunately I don't get enough time for dressing, which is what I'd really like.

I waited for a good deal and bought a new camera! It turned out to be not so good though. The camera needs new firmware or something. It doesn't keep the settings in memory, and while it does record sound... it pops like an old LP. It takes Ok video and has an unusual option for "letterbox" videos. They aren't high definition though.

I'm one of those people that buys cheap cameras that could've bought a nice one if I'd saved the money I spent on the crappy ones. So I even bought another new camera? I wasn't looking for one but I'd been eyeing this particular model for a while, and they cut the price in half. It was an upgraded version... and I had the money. It was only $40 and I needed a web cam and it does that too.

Now if I could get some decent images to post : )

It's still about five weeks away, but I'm gonna have the house to myself for a few days if everything works out. I'm planning on at least one good Cassie Session without having to sneak around about it.

I'm hoping that any YouTube friends wondering why I'm not responding to mail or comments and stuff like that might drop in here and read this.

I know I don't post often enough though, and even though this link is posted there I don't think many people click on it.

I was posting videos at Transdivine but they closed about a week ago. I liked being able to post anything I wanted without rules. There were a lot of nasty videos there and I'm sure some one has copied them and has posted them elsewhere. Probably at Clips4sale under a fake profile... Damn it!

If my YouTube account doesn't get deleted I guess I'll need to think about conforming to their rules from now on? I really just do it for me. I don't think very many people are gonna miss my silly videos. I'm hoping they don't delete me. I still have videos there that are not allowed under the guidelines though, and I can't even delete them myself now.

I may consider posting some videos here because I've seen some stuff on these Blogs that YouTube would never let me post!

I don't like X-Tube because of all the junk you have to wade through. My connection is to slow to deal with that. I'm sure they have videos I'd love to watch but I'm not waiting all day for shit to load.

So I may actually post more here while my YouTube is out... Ha ha. If I do get the chance to make some videos there's sure to be something about it here also.

Have Fun Y'all...

New Wig, Cami, Blog, and Flickr Page.

It's been a while I know, and all I've written here is Happy Holiday's! I'm hoping to get something up here worth reading soon? So it doesn't make sense that I've started another Blog. I wanted a place to write stories, and nothing else. Plus, I'm a Geek and just like tinkering with sites.

Over the last few months I've got myself a new wig, well it's not new, but it's new to me. I found a little cami at a Dollar Tree of all places, and I'm hoping to get my first pair of high heels in a few days.

I don't know how the sizes work for women's shoes. I wear an 81/2 and if anyone can tell me what that translates to in women's sizes I'd appreciate it. I'm gonna get me some new leggings instead of stockings, and try to get some better images as I go along. Most of my pics are screen grabs from low res video clips, but as I've said here before that's probably a good thing.

The image at the top of this Blog is the only high res image I've posted here so far. I'm gonna post some on my new Flickr Page though. I'm trying to keep it lower key for the regular contacts, and Family Members can see the nasty stuff. There's pretty nasty stuff there, and more to come!

Maybe that's why I only have one Family Member lol! I'm probably getting too many sites going but one leads to another, and another... My most recent "Cassie Session" took me eight hours to get myself ready and by that time I wasn't gonna be alone in the house so I had to wait another five hours or so to start doing makeup.

I then spent all night long posing and recording clips with my crappy little point and shoot camera. I was so tired after that I slept for a few hours dressed as Cassie until I had the house to myself again! I got lipstick all over my pillows! Looking back on it that was one of the best parts of the whole day.

When I was alone again I took a bubble bath trying to get some images and videos but they came out awful and I'm not likely to use any of that stuff. Then I was ready to start tearing down my backdrops and put everything back where it belonged. Including Cassie... sadly.

If things work out I'll have a chance to try it all over again this week or maybe next week? Then it could be a while, maybe after my Birthday which is coming up in a couple months?

I start to miss dressing after a couple of weeks and try not thinking about it, but I've noticed when I do dress I start acting and sort of "feeling girly", if that makes any sense at all.

Something tells me after reading the Blogs that I link to and everywhere else online that there are plenty of gurl's out there that know exactly what I'm talking about.

I posted some pretty racy stuff on YouTube and was getting a lot of hits and messages, for about an hour until YouTube removed them and gave me a Community Warning. Oh well, I should have known better. I'm not sure why I need to post stuff like that.

Yes I am. I like the attention. I don't get that when I'm not being Cassie. This is still very new to me. It surprises me when I get a compliment or someone says something nice about one of my pics. I didn't really expect that to happen.

Thanks to everyone that comments on any of my pics or blog posts.

Bye Y'all...