Saturday, September 26, 2009

My Two Me's

Something unexpected is happening to me. Ever since the first time I put on a wig and some makeup back in November of last year there's been something "with me".

I remember looking in the mirror, trying to apply mascara. Having never done it before I didn't have a clue what I was doing. But when I was done with everything I wanted to try I looked in the mirror, not to see what I was doing this time, but to see what I had done.

I smiled trying to look cute. That's when something happened. I still don't know what it was, or still is actually. It's just stronger now. I knew I looked awful, so why did I feel so good? A feeling I've never felt before washed over me and I thought to myself "This must be what everyone's talking about?".

The goodness I felt inside me just made me smile more, and seeing myself with such a genuine expression just made me think "Who is that in the mirror?". I sat down and started putting on some fake nails. After much difficulty figuring out how to get them on with those little sticky tabs I finally managed to get all ten fingers on.

When I held out my hands and looked at those burgundy red nails you've all seen me wear. I was almost in shock. I never expected to actual "feel" anything when I'd thought about dressing up. But a very powerful feeling came pouring out of me when I saw them on me.

If Y'all have ever seen me squirming around and running my hands up and down my legs and body. It's not because I'm thinking it looks good on camera. It's because I'm not "acting". When I touch my face and squirm around, the expression you see is what I'm experiencing myself. Not so much that I'm trying to show off.

I never expected that! I'm not sure what I did expect when I decided to put on the wig and makeup exactly. I don't remember ever wearing girls clothes before in my life.

Since then it's a constant underlying part of me. Even when I'm not "Cassie", which is most of the time. She seems to always be there. When I go into a store I don't just look at the things I've looked at all my life. Now I also look at high heels, and stockings... things that Cassie likes. Like she's in there with me.

So I started thinking that maybe that would work, you know... just carrying two different "trains of thought" around with me. Just keeping "Cassie's thoughts" hidden from the outside world, not pushed down... just hidden. That worked for a while and I'm still doing it now, except while I'm writing this Blog. This is mostly "Cassie", but I'm still me too of course. See what I mean?

Well, I'm starting to get run down trying to manage two different trains of thought. And honestly I really want more "Cassie" time. You know what I mean. Fully dressed and "trying" to be cute. So that instead of just knowing inside that she's there, being able to feel the joy that only she can bring me.

I spend a lot of time collecting items so that when I get a chance to dress up I'll have what I need. I plan ahead so that when the time comes I can let "Cassie" out. I know that's nuts. What I mean to say is that I know I should just "let her out". I just never thought not doing so could turn into a physical health issue. I'll probably learn in time that suppressing these desires to have more "Cassie' time is not a good idea. Maybe not even possible?

I have everything at the ready and spend hours turning into a girl. Only to get a few hours at most before having to change back. But "she" never goes away.

I don't mean to complain. I could change things. Notice I didn't say easily. Maybe Y'all will say it for me. I know there are many gurls out there experiencing similar things, and having very similar feelings. So many Blogs and so many similar stories.

Just last night I had been sitting there thinking about what I wanted to say in this blog. I stopped by the profile page of an online gurlfriend and she had updated it. I was amazed to read that she was writing about almost exactly word for word what I wanted to write about. Wanting more time as a gurl.

I almost decided not to write this because of just how similar it was.

Then I realized that I've been reading these stories for months now. Longer than that really because I started reading Transgender Blogs a long time ago. Coincidence?

Is it a coincidence that I started liking it when the Olympics was on and Sarah and Michelle would skate? I went crazy when Sarah won the Gold!

A few years ago I was playing cards with some relatives at home. The player to the right of me had these beautiful fingernails, and when she'd reach over the table to grab her cards I'd see this pretty hand slide into my vision. I was dumbfounded when a warm rush ran all over me, every single time I saw those hands with those pretty nails.

I never mentioned it, and was very disturbed by it because she was related to me. I was worried about that for a while. Then the night I looked at my own hands, wearing those fake nails, and felt that wonderful feeling again. I immediately remembered that time playing cards. And I thought... Coincidence?

So now I'm leaning towards this concept. Instead of "Two Me's", maybe it's all me. It's all in there. I see it all the time when I read other gurl's Blogs. I've even thought that to myself when I thought about them.

Is "Cassie" taking over, or does she belong in my conscious more?

I never expected feelings to pour out of me just because I was wearing nails and stockings.

And I never expected to feel like I was "sharing" time with an alter ego.

Two things the "Two Me's" didn't see coming.

Bye Y'all...

Cassie Ann Play : )

4 comments:

XxxacoldsoulXxx said...

I think your always Cassie even when you think your not.....

Its just when you wear pantyhose or fake nails that is the time when you really noticed yourself......

Cassie said...

I agree with that. What I mean is that most of the time I don't "Look" like Cassie.

So everything I do online is "Cassie" even though I'm not dressed right now.

Both of "My Me's" are writing this. So my regular self is sort of Channeling Cassie... almost like multitasking as they say about computers.

I don't like bringing that up because I don't want to spoil the illusion. Even though everyone is aware of what I'm doing.

Maybe I need a new processor?

Anonymous said...

Cassie,

I think that most of us have an emotional aspect to our crossdressing that gets ever greater the more we do it.

Like many others, I started out almost entirely sexual in my approach, and while that is still a prime motivator, I get pleasure from so many other girly things.

Feeling girly - which is necessary for me to get any rush out of this at all - requires me to put myself in a different mental place than I have been used to, and the more I get used to doing it, the more I miss it when I don't do it. Also, once I get good at the big stuff, I start to notice the finer details.

Am I one person or two? Probably semantics, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet.

Nice post, sweetie!

Cassie said...

I'd love to know what you posted Onita...

Feb1 and 4 Posters Too!

My PC doesn't handle those Characters unfortunately : (

So I can't even mail you to Thank You for posting.

So Thank You For Posting and stopping by my Blog Y'all!

Ms. Cassie Ann Play : )